Plug me in and turn me on...

           Right now I feel very alone. Desolate inside. I feel disconnected from God, from pretty much everyone around me. I wanna do big things but feel fearful of how the grandness of what I wanna do may consume me and ultimately cause me to fail. I never used to believe in failure. I don't know if I do now either, but I sure am scared more often these days of something, failing, that I don't even believe really exists. "Failing isn't failure, it's just growth" that's what I'd always say. I believe that. But I also don't want to grow if it means risking getting hurt, losing someone, being alone, being seen as worthless...etc.

        Human beings are interesting creatures, we fear that which hasn't even happened yet, strange. As far as my Ana is concerned, I am determined to start a new day tomorrow. I am getting ready for bed. I took 2 tablespoons of vinegar, white, ate 2 medium stalks of celery, drank a glass of organic plum juice, and 3 16 ounce bottles of water. I'd say my body is pretty well set for nighttime calorie burning. If you sip a little vinegar, drink some water, and eat a neg cal food like celery about 20 to 30 mins before bed, you better your body's ability to burn fat through out your sleep. Great eh? I want my body to feel nice and empty when I wake. I will then pop a metabo booster vitamin, sip of some energy enhanced water till work is over at 4, dive into some iceberg lettuce for dinner, maybe have a few pickles, drink some more plum juice, apple juice, water...vinegar...Gotta get in a routine, a routine of what will keep the fat burning and me feeling satisfied.

      Emotional satisfaction? That's another story, spiritual satisfaction I know how to get but can't bring myself to be wise about it. If I lose all my weight, look beautiful, feel confident, get that better job, advance my music career, get the mate of my dreams...what will I actually have? Hmmm, I guess I feel slightly empty inside already, empty in heart. Someone say a prayer for me k? <3