Load Me Up

            I am having horrible cravings. I have a strong urge to binge. Right now I feel tired, hungry, and achy after a long day at work. I don't even know why I am so hungry. I ate an apple and a pear for breakfast. I had a piece of bread with my vitamins at lunch, along with a cup of salad, no dressing or croutons tho. Just veggie salads for me, and then I cheated and had a green tea frap alongside of one chocolate chip cookie for dinner. I should be full, since I ate like a gigantic cow. I mean everything I ate, up until the cookie, was under 500 calories...but this deep sense of failure is eating at me. That cookie probably had tons more calories and fat grams than I needed for the whole week, let alone today. My friend asked if I wanted to hang out after work, we went to Starbucks, I love my friend, and she wanted to buy me a treat, so I complied, because how do you lie to your friends and say you're not hungry when your stomach is growling and when you hand them something they say "You're shaking! You're hungry, lemme get you something." My friend Kat, she is so sweet and wonderful. I couldn't say no.


            So I enjoyed my Green Tea Frap, which she knows are my favorites, and my cookie. She tried to buy me more but I refused, so I guess in some way I did win over the urge to have more, but now I am txting a good Ana friend of mine, Maise, and we are talking each other down from a worse binge episode. I guess inside my head I am like "That cookie ruined it, ruined the whole day. You fucked up, so might as well just eat whatever and go for it." Those thoughts are counter productive and it's a lie, cause if I just stick to my guns, go sip a little vinegar, drink 3 or 4 bottles of water, chew on a few celery stalks before bed...my body will burn that cookie off easy peasy. The lie in my head is a lie that I failed. I didn't fail, this is a chance for me to grow. There is no such thing as failure, just growth, just learning. I can learn from this moment right now. Take control.

         So I am, Maise is helping me to calm down, see things in the right perspective, thank God for her. I feel less and less like going and eating my weight in chocolate, haha. I think I may go to sleep early tonight, relax, watch a movie then crash. Maybe I'll have a glass of wine, wine is one thing I will not sacrifice for my Ana lol. I love it too much. I am a Wine-O for sure. :) Well I think I don't feel like writing anymore right now. Hope all is well in your corner of the world :)