I hate me today...

          I am honestly feeling super depressed and irrational. I feel like just disappearing would make the world a better place. I have been dealing with a lot of pressure to finish this new album I am recording. Last night I binged like you wouldn't believe and since I don't purge, to protect my singing voice, it is all on me, right now adding more fat to my disgusting body. I am angry at myself. I shoulda just txted Maise, my Ana support friend. Truth is I need more than one, I mean she can't always be there, and I need a group of Ana's who support me and understand what I am facing.

         I feel isolated and alone in this, like seriously alone. I Will Not Eat Today! I WILL NOT EAT TODAY! I need some stronger resolve. I think I am gunna go upstairs take a spoonful of vinegar, eat a celery stalk or 2, then try and sleep for a couple hours. I have a photo shoot today. Ugh. Gross, thank God it's not me modeling. It's the album cover shoot for my new CD, so the model will be this local girl who has a specific artistic role for the cover, thank God, I don't want any pics of me till I drop 30lbs. AND I NEED TO DO IT FAST, I need to do a photo shoot at the end of September, so wish me luck. UGH. Being a professional music artist adds so much more pressure to be healthy, in shape, skinny, whatever. I wanna feel stronger, lighter, softer. I dunno.

         I hate Hillary Duff, but I love this pic, she looks amazing.

3 little things...

3 little things I am gunna start trying to implement into my life to help fight my urges, cravings, etc...

1. Go to sleep. If I get home from work at night and the urge starts, just go to bed for crap's sake! If I am at home and the urge comes and I feel sleepy, the sleepiness is probably causing a shift in my appetite, so just sleep it off.

2. If an urge comes and I am at home, weigh myself, trust me the urge will go away lol

3. If at work and the urge comes, go chug a huge glass of our luke warm water, that will def curb it, either that or just chug as much as will make me nauseous and not wanna eat.

I fucked up. :/

             Around 2 am, I was feeling hungry, craving some ice cream like a mofo. Just needed a sweet creamy treat, so I had a large bowl of ice cream. I suck. :( I feel angry at myself, but I know I need to just face today with a stronger resolve. Punishing myself will only make this worse. I need to just wake up, drink some water, take a spoonful of vinegar, eat a few stalks of celery and head to work. Pop a stacker, give myself a kick start of fat burning and try and avoid another slip like that. I shoulda tried to txt Maise, I just figured it was aweful late and it may be rude of me.

           I don't feel too horrible inside. I just wanna be able to go longer stints without giving in, know what I mean? Like 2 and a half days, thats lame. I should of tried harder, cause truth be told I probably have it in me to go like 20 days before even really feeling Strong urges, I just have become lazy and undisciplined, but tonight my God Mom, Julia, actually said something amazing to me on the phone. "You are the strongest and most disciplined person I know." She was saying it in reference to my life, career, relationships in general, but it really triggered something in me about my eating.

           She's right, I am disciplined, and strong. I can do this. Today: 2 stalks of celery, 2 Hydroxy Cuts, 4 bottles of water, 2 glasses of juice, and an herbal tea. I am gunna bunker down and do this right...oh! And vinegar. Can't go a day without that, it's amazing for fat burning, naturally. So, wish me luck. Hope all is well in Ana land for the rest of you. Kisses.

Selena Gomez is beautiful, not as skinny as most Ana's look up to, however I think she has an amazing size, and this picture of one of my thinspiration favorites. :)

You can let your hair down...

            So last night was rough, lots of craving, the urge to binge was strong and kept coming back over and over. But...I beat it. With the encouragement of a good Ana friend, Maise, and the mind numbing awesomeness of "The L Word" :) haha I <3 Kate Moennig, she plays Shane. Gorgeous, thinspiration, and just an all around amazing actress. I feel empty right now, which is awesome as well. Probably gunna pop a Hydroxy Cut before I leave for work. Gosh I hate work more and more these days yet need it more and more. It's insane.

           I guess I don't "hate" work, I just feel less and less like being there is valuable to me surviving. lol. I know right, that's dumb. Truth be told I guess I just have my focus on other things right now. I am leaving in 2 weeks, the album will be done, time to head out. North Carolina first, then home to Nashville for just a couple months, then onto the West Coast for an 8 month tour. Crazy eh?

          I wanted to say real quick, just to clear any confusion up...I am an Ana, but I do not consider myself to have the actual mental disorder that goes with Anorexia. Mainly cause I don't "Starve" myself. I do random cleansing fasts, fruits, veggies, lemon juice, curry, cayenne, etc...and I believe in lots of vitamins, more of them than food, lots of water, get protien from healthier places than fatty meats, I just have high health standards, yes being thinner is super important to me, and yes I am an Ana, I support and understand the mindset of food fears, looking in the mirror and not liking what you see, etc...I just don't plan on trying to reach 70lbs and die. Between 110 and 120 is fine for me, hell even 130 would be cool :) haha I have been heavy my whole life, and Ana gave me strength to fight that with a lot of clarity. "People over eat all the time, this country's ideas of what a normal portioned meal is, is atrocious." Truer words could never have been spoken.

      Just wanted to interject that, now I am gunna chew on some lettuc before I gotta get ready for work. <3

Just some inspiration for you...

Load Me Up

            I am having horrible cravings. I have a strong urge to binge. Right now I feel tired, hungry, and achy after a long day at work. I don't even know why I am so hungry. I ate an apple and a pear for breakfast. I had a piece of bread with my vitamins at lunch, along with a cup of salad, no dressing or croutons tho. Just veggie salads for me, and then I cheated and had a green tea frap alongside of one chocolate chip cookie for dinner. I should be full, since I ate like a gigantic cow. I mean everything I ate, up until the cookie, was under 500 calories...but this deep sense of failure is eating at me. That cookie probably had tons more calories and fat grams than I needed for the whole week, let alone today. My friend asked if I wanted to hang out after work, we went to Starbucks, I love my friend, and she wanted to buy me a treat, so I complied, because how do you lie to your friends and say you're not hungry when your stomach is growling and when you hand them something they say "You're shaking! You're hungry, lemme get you something." My friend Kat, she is so sweet and wonderful. I couldn't say no.


            So I enjoyed my Green Tea Frap, which she knows are my favorites, and my cookie. She tried to buy me more but I refused, so I guess in some way I did win over the urge to have more, but now I am txting a good Ana friend of mine, Maise, and we are talking each other down from a worse binge episode. I guess inside my head I am like "That cookie ruined it, ruined the whole day. You fucked up, so might as well just eat whatever and go for it." Those thoughts are counter productive and it's a lie, cause if I just stick to my guns, go sip a little vinegar, drink 3 or 4 bottles of water, chew on a few celery stalks before bed...my body will burn that cookie off easy peasy. The lie in my head is a lie that I failed. I didn't fail, this is a chance for me to grow. There is no such thing as failure, just growth, just learning. I can learn from this moment right now. Take control.

         So I am, Maise is helping me to calm down, see things in the right perspective, thank God for her. I feel less and less like going and eating my weight in chocolate, haha. I think I may go to sleep early tonight, relax, watch a movie then crash. Maybe I'll have a glass of wine, wine is one thing I will not sacrifice for my Ana lol. I love it too much. I am a Wine-O for sure. :) Well I think I don't feel like writing anymore right now. Hope all is well in your corner of the world :)

Plug me in and turn me on...

           Right now I feel very alone. Desolate inside. I feel disconnected from God, from pretty much everyone around me. I wanna do big things but feel fearful of how the grandness of what I wanna do may consume me and ultimately cause me to fail. I never used to believe in failure. I don't know if I do now either, but I sure am scared more often these days of something, failing, that I don't even believe really exists. "Failing isn't failure, it's just growth" that's what I'd always say. I believe that. But I also don't want to grow if it means risking getting hurt, losing someone, being alone, being seen as worthless...etc.

        Human beings are interesting creatures, we fear that which hasn't even happened yet, strange. As far as my Ana is concerned, I am determined to start a new day tomorrow. I am getting ready for bed. I took 2 tablespoons of vinegar, white, ate 2 medium stalks of celery, drank a glass of organic plum juice, and 3 16 ounce bottles of water. I'd say my body is pretty well set for nighttime calorie burning. If you sip a little vinegar, drink some water, and eat a neg cal food like celery about 20 to 30 mins before bed, you better your body's ability to burn fat through out your sleep. Great eh? I want my body to feel nice and empty when I wake. I will then pop a metabo booster vitamin, sip of some energy enhanced water till work is over at 4, dive into some iceberg lettuce for dinner, maybe have a few pickles, drink some more plum juice, apple juice, water...vinegar...Gotta get in a routine, a routine of what will keep the fat burning and me feeling satisfied.

      Emotional satisfaction? That's another story, spiritual satisfaction I know how to get but can't bring myself to be wise about it. If I lose all my weight, look beautiful, feel confident, get that better job, advance my music career, get the mate of my dreams...what will I actually have? Hmmm, I guess I feel slightly empty inside already, empty in heart. Someone say a prayer for me k? <3