I hate me today...

          I am honestly feeling super depressed and irrational. I feel like just disappearing would make the world a better place. I have been dealing with a lot of pressure to finish this new album I am recording. Last night I binged like you wouldn't believe and since I don't purge, to protect my singing voice, it is all on me, right now adding more fat to my disgusting body. I am angry at myself. I shoulda just txted Maise, my Ana support friend. Truth is I need more than one, I mean she can't always be there, and I need a group of Ana's who support me and understand what I am facing.

         I feel isolated and alone in this, like seriously alone. I Will Not Eat Today! I WILL NOT EAT TODAY! I need some stronger resolve. I think I am gunna go upstairs take a spoonful of vinegar, eat a celery stalk or 2, then try and sleep for a couple hours. I have a photo shoot today. Ugh. Gross, thank God it's not me modeling. It's the album cover shoot for my new CD, so the model will be this local girl who has a specific artistic role for the cover, thank God, I don't want any pics of me till I drop 30lbs. AND I NEED TO DO IT FAST, I need to do a photo shoot at the end of September, so wish me luck. UGH. Being a professional music artist adds so much more pressure to be healthy, in shape, skinny, whatever. I wanna feel stronger, lighter, softer. I dunno.

         I hate Hillary Duff, but I love this pic, she looks amazing.

3 little things...

3 little things I am gunna start trying to implement into my life to help fight my urges, cravings, etc...

1. Go to sleep. If I get home from work at night and the urge starts, just go to bed for crap's sake! If I am at home and the urge comes and I feel sleepy, the sleepiness is probably causing a shift in my appetite, so just sleep it off.

2. If an urge comes and I am at home, weigh myself, trust me the urge will go away lol

3. If at work and the urge comes, go chug a huge glass of our luke warm water, that will def curb it, either that or just chug as much as will make me nauseous and not wanna eat.

I fucked up. :/

             Around 2 am, I was feeling hungry, craving some ice cream like a mofo. Just needed a sweet creamy treat, so I had a large bowl of ice cream. I suck. :( I feel angry at myself, but I know I need to just face today with a stronger resolve. Punishing myself will only make this worse. I need to just wake up, drink some water, take a spoonful of vinegar, eat a few stalks of celery and head to work. Pop a stacker, give myself a kick start of fat burning and try and avoid another slip like that. I shoulda tried to txt Maise, I just figured it was aweful late and it may be rude of me.

           I don't feel too horrible inside. I just wanna be able to go longer stints without giving in, know what I mean? Like 2 and a half days, thats lame. I should of tried harder, cause truth be told I probably have it in me to go like 20 days before even really feeling Strong urges, I just have become lazy and undisciplined, but tonight my God Mom, Julia, actually said something amazing to me on the phone. "You are the strongest and most disciplined person I know." She was saying it in reference to my life, career, relationships in general, but it really triggered something in me about my eating.

           She's right, I am disciplined, and strong. I can do this. Today: 2 stalks of celery, 2 Hydroxy Cuts, 4 bottles of water, 2 glasses of juice, and an herbal tea. I am gunna bunker down and do this right...oh! And vinegar. Can't go a day without that, it's amazing for fat burning, naturally. So, wish me luck. Hope all is well in Ana land for the rest of you. Kisses.

Selena Gomez is beautiful, not as skinny as most Ana's look up to, however I think she has an amazing size, and this picture of one of my thinspiration favorites. :)